Birthday Girl, I love you

My Darling Janel

Mommy wanted to write you a very special letter on your birthday, one that you would have forever, one that you can look back on when you’re a very big girl and read. I know this is late for your birthday, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t planning this all the time.

Now that you are two, you are becoming such a big girl. You’re talking incredibly well, and I love it! I love being able to interact with you and talk to you. You make me laugh with some of your little discussions!

Mommy is so proud of you! You have been through such a lot in two years and yet you are such an amazing little girl! You are happy and bubbly and so much fun to be around. I just know that Zoe is proud of you too, my love. I know she’s looking down on you from heaven and itching for you to meet her so she can play with you.

You’ve become so good at letting everyone have turns when they play. I know you fall down a lot, and we’ve had a lot of tears in the last few weeks, but you are SUCH a brave girl! You’re only falling down because you’re growing so fast - 3cm in 3 months! - and your little brain is struggling to keep up. You’re going to be a tall beauty, with all the boys running after you.

Already you’ve shown such curiosity about the world around you - constantly asking what things are. When you don’t understand, you keep asking until either you do understand, or Mommy finds an easier (and not always accurate) explanation. I hope you never stop asking questions and trying to figure the world out. We’ll make a proper scientist out of you yet!

I know that sometimes you want to do things that Mommy or Daddy won’t let you do, and no matter how much you say ‘I WANT to’, we won’t let you. This is the time when you discover that not only do you not always get what you want, but talking and being able to explain what you want doesn’t always help. That’s very frustrating, I know, but we want you to grow up understanding the difference between wants and needs. If you know that, then you can be satisfied in every circumstance - whether you have lots of material things, or nothing. We are trying to teach you that real joy comes not from ‘having’, but ‘being’ and ‘doing’. I hope and pray we get it right.

Right now your favourite activity is swimming. Your fearless leaping into the water is going to make both Daddy and me go prematurely grey, but I’d rather have grey hairs than miss a moment of your exuberant joy in all things watery. You’re starting to kick nicely, and just today you got the hang of swimming with a ring. Being able to swim independently in the water was such an incredible discovery for you, and I count it sheer privilege that I got to witness this momentous moment in your life.

Since your birthdays we have already shared dozens of tea parties, and I still say you make the BEST tea in the world. I know that I am sometimes too busy to play with you, and I’m sorry that I can’t spend every moment playing with you. All too soon you will be grown up and we won’t have tea parties anymore. Likewise, reading stories in bed in the morning with you and me and Daddy - those are precious moments and I treasure every one. I’m not good at mornings, not like you and Daddy, so I need to sleep while the two of you get up, but when you wake up a little later (after 6am) then I just LOVE having you snuggle in bed with us.

Like this morning. I love the fact that you are now big enough to sleep in a proper bed and so can get yourself up in the morning and come through to our room. I know how much you love your ‘Miaow blanket’ (duvet with cartoon cats cover), and I when I see you sleeping quietly in your bed under it, my heart swells with joy and pride at how big you’re getting. You still turn sideways in your bed, or even the wrong way round completely, but I know that as you get even bigger that will change. I love that you still need me to come in and check on you, turn you round and then cover you up again. No matter how big you get, I will always love being your mommy, and being able to do these little things for you that show you how much I love you.

How much do I love you? This much (stretch your arms as wide as they will go) and this much (cuddle tightly with Mommy). I love you more than you can imagine. My love for you is bigger than anything you can imagine, and big enough to let go of you when I have to, but my love is also close enough to hold you tight.

My hopes and dreams for you aren’t as clear as some other Mommys’ or Daddys’. Mostly my hopes for you are prayers. Prayers for protection, prayers that you will develop a godly character, prayers that you will develop good social skills, prayers that you will develop your potential to its fullest, prayers that you will continue to be joyful throughout your life, prayers that you will not have to suffer too much heart-ache, prayers that your life will be full of blessings. My deepest prayer is that I will live to see you grow big, get married and have children of your own.

I know that Zoe’s death has an effect on my relationship with you, and I know that sometimes that’s not fair on you. I’m sorry for that times that her death makes me hold onto you too tightly, or when my fear that something will happen to you holds me back from being the mommy you need and deserve.

Next year holds so many new things for you. I worry for you - about how you will cope with starting to let go of needing Leo and your dummy all the time, of how you will cope with a whole year of going to nursery, of whether I’m doing enough at home to help you with your singing and musical ability (if your interest in playing piano is anything to go by!), with your motor skills, with developing your creativity. I worry that you’re not eating properly - I know you will survive because both Daddy and I were both very fussy eaters when we were your age and we survived, but that doesn’t stop me from worrying that you’re not getting a balanced diet, or that you’re malnutritioned in some way that will only really impact on your life when you’re much older…

But it also holds many, many joys, I know. Developing the stamina to ride your bike all way home from nursery; becoming involved in making your own food; becoming an even more confident and competent swimmer - maybe even learning to hold your breath properly; discovering for yourself how amazing it is to have a pet (shh! Don’t tell Daddy that I plan to buy you a pet!); making new friends; getting to know your Grannie and Grampa, Granma and Tata, Oupa and Ouma; getting to know your cousins. I’m looking forward to all the ways you make me laugh, with all your little comments and quirks. I’m looking forward to making you laugh and showing you new things. And I can’t wait to share those moments with you, as well as all the ‘little’ moments of glory that I know await you.

I cannot tell you how incredible these last two years of my life have been. I have been truly blessed to have you in them, and I’d do it all again. Thank you for the joy you bring into my life. Thank you for being the best you that you know how to be. Thank you for your lack of pretension, thank you for your curiosity, thank you for reminding me that there is more to life than just existing day to day. Thank you for loving me. Most of all, I thank God in heaven for counting me worthy of being your Mommy. I cannot think of a higher calling in life, or of a greater privilege.

Happy birthday my precious little girl!